Mental Abuse is the Silent Destructor

Your mind is a powerful thing or so we are told. It has the ability to protect you and give you only what you can handle. I am not sure how accurate that is. For some your mind is a tool used against you. There is no switch to flip it on or off. I believe that healing from physical and sexual abuse is hard enough but trying to heal from mental abuse is a whole different thing. Most of the time it feels damn near impossible. Mental abuse is the silent destructor, it cannot be seen by others, so it always leaves you questioning. You have these thoughts and flashbacks that are so hard to describe to someone. You know deep down that so much is a lie but then your mind starts playing tricks on you and you start to wonder if it really is lies or reality. You go to some dark places where all your thoughts start spinning round and round. You feel like you are going insane, but no one can see it happening. You try to find a glimpse of light to hold on to so that it might help ground you and bring you out of this vicious cycle in your head. You just want so badly to feel happy, but your thoughts are too heavy. You constantly wonder if you are the only one who struggles with the feeling of being trapped in your head. You try to listen to the one voice that you can trust and work to make that the loudest one you hear but that is not often the case. The abuser knows just what to say to have you fall right back in line and believe their reality is true. This is a control tactic that they have mastered. You are constantly berated with phrases like, “It’s not that bad” “Snap out of it” “You know what you need to do” “Other people have it worse” and other condemning things. You sit there at night trying to get your mind to slow down to let you rest for a few minutes only to be jolted by the thoughts that come back. There is never any escape from it. Even when the threat is no longer present it feels so real in your mind, like at any given moment it will all come spiraling out of control again. You learn really fast not to open up to most people, if anyone, about the thoughts in your head because either people think you are crazy or on the flip side some people say things like “Just think on the bright side’ or “Focus on the positive things” comments like this are so far from being helpful to someone who has had a lifetime of this so really there has never been a bright side to go to for me. These kinds of comments send some of us in a tailspin and feeling inadequate. None of us are looking for answers or to be fixed. We are just looking and desperately in need of understanding, acceptance, and love.