Trapped in Trauma

Trapped…. That is what it feels like every day, every hour, every minute when you are living in a trauma state. You try your best to manage the outbursts, breakdowns, and emotions that constantly are running rampant in your mind so that you don’t draw attention. You try to fit in and be like everyone else around you when deep down you are questioning why you can’t get it right, it can’t be that hard millions of people manage difficult things and still live purposeful lives. You are in overdrive all the time reliving the trauma, the past blurs with the present and it feels like there is no escape. It gets so frustrating when you can’t explain in words what you are thinking and feeling. You don’t know how to express what you need and also have a fear about admitting that you need anything at all. You were conditioned to think you have to figure it out on your own and asking for something makes you weak. You don’t know how to reach out or even say you are not okay. You drive a little faster, blare the music a little louder just to try to quiet the racing thoughts in your mind. You slowly start to regress; you start to hold everything in again, not wanting to open up, feeling like you don’t want to bother others with the same story over and over again just a different day. You feel like you are letting others down and you are not where you were hoping to be. Trapped in the spiral of two different realities that cannot comingle. Constantly juggling who they want or tell you to be with who you want to believe you can be or possibly were destined to be. Someone who can relate and help others to not feel so alone and defeated all the time. You fight long and hard to take steps in the right direction only to have the carpet pulled out from underneath you. You have to get up and start the journey all over again, this time hoping to see those sink holes before it is too late and no matter how many times you fall knowing there is no other option but to get back up. You will not give them the satisfaction that what happened affected you. You know what you need to do to move forward one minute but in the next it seems like that is not correct either. Searching to figure out how to play the game better than your opponent. Waiting for them to show you their hand and where they really stand. Looking around to see who is still there at the end. Grasping for an ounce of courage to make it through what your mind is telling you, questioning if it is true or not. Nothing can prepare you for what is to come or when that moment of clarity will hit. You just have to keep surviving, reaching for truth and patience that you will one day get your mind to settle and be able to process the world around you. This is just a tiny piece of what it is like to live with PTSD.