To the inner girl who is struggling to survive, I want you to know you are not alone. I too know those feelings and thoughts that make you think and question everything. Sometimes something is said or done, and you suddenly remember something else that is linked to that, and the spiral downward begins. Thinking and visualizing those moments trying to make sense of an impossible situation and questioning if your mind is playing another trick on you. Thinking about it can never be as bad as you think it is but knowing deep down it is.
Then sitting with all that pain and hurt not knowing what to do with it so you just try harder to numb it and pretend it will go away. Leading you to wonder what else you don't remember or what and how long this is going to continually affect you.
You try so hard to get their voices out of your head. You know deep down that they are lies, yet it is easier to believe them than to trust yourself. You feel dirty and no matter how hot you get the water or how hard you scrub you can still feel all of those men putting their hands all over your body doing despicable things that you never thought possible or ever wanted to do and they are never caring or seeing that you are a real person.
You feel used over and over again. I know what it is like to hate every ounce of yourself. You try to cut out the poison they have injected into you only to feel worse than before. How you can’t even look in the mirror because you don't recognize the person staring back at you. You are so terrified to be alone. Being alone opens you up to the opportunity to be attacked or left with the thoughts that circle around in your head. It is impossible to sleep because you never know what is going to happen when you let that guard down. There is no one to watch over you to make sure you are going to survive that time while you sleep. You are afraid to stay in one spot too long for fear that they will find you. You want someone to see you and acknowledge your pain. Someone to hold your hand while you are in this horrible place to keep you from slipping away. Someone to help ground you so that you can know and feel like you are going to make it through.
Then you realize that someone is you.
You are searching to find yourself and make yourself better, even though no matter what has been done to you cannot be changed. Learning to embrace that horrible pain can change the narrative, and you can come out stronger in spite of it.
That maybe just maybe one day it won't take its toll on you, and you will be able to live without the shame, hurt and fear.
Sincerely, A Diamond Strong Survivor