Gratitude…. This is a hard and complex realization to think about.
Everyone gets asked all the time, "What’s something you are grateful for?", and also told if you just look around there is always one thing every day you can be grateful for. While, yes this is true, and answering that question when someone asks is a difficult concept, especially for someone surviving extreme trauma.
When I get asked that question, still today, my mind and heart start racing as all eyes are on me. I try to come up with an answer that is true, informal, and simple. Not really knowing what kind of response they are really looking for and not wanting to say what is actually going through my head. Don’t get me wrong, I am super grateful for a lot of things, but they are not things that most people are going to be able to handle hearing or even understand.
So, I franticly search for an "appropriate" answer because I can’t openly say, "Sure I am grateful for making it through another night, for not being raped this time, for the consequences not being as bad as they have or could be, for not being found that day, for getting from point a to point b with no issues, that my mind didn’t get the best of me, that my thoughts didn’t send me into a horrible spiral, for not going to far, for not going to deep, for a not giving into the crap I have been conditioned to believe", and the list can go on and on. I try to remind myself to switch off the voices in my head that I have been listening to and shift to more socially acceptable answer like, "Me being grateful for something amazing that my kids accomplished, that I have a job I love, that I am building a positive support system, and that I have new meaningful experiences." In the hopes that eventually one day when I get asked the question, ”What’s something you are grateful for?” I don’t instantly panic, but instead have a "suitable" answer come to mind.
It wasn’t until someone explained to me that gratitude is a learned behavior that you have to consciously practice it every day that it started to make sense. Before I would always think and go automatically to what’s wrong with me! I know there are things to be grateful for but why do those dark ugly grateful thoughts come to mind first instead of the more positive ones? You see, most people regardless of what they have been through and overcome tend to go to those deep dark places unconsciously first.
I have to continuously remind myself that I am not like my traffickers, I think different, I am different, I am surviving.
It takes a lot of time, energy, patience and determination to retrain your brain and make the switch in your mind, its like muscle memory, you have to practice it again and again.
I have to continually remind myself that it doesn’t happen overnight or in the blink of an eye. Most days it is easier said than done. Each day I have to trust in me and not the lies that I've been told that are out to destroy me. By putting in the effort little by little, day by day I am hopeful it will work, and I will be able to see even the smallest change in my thought process.
There will be setbacks in the process, just like everything that life has to offer. But I can learn from the setbacks along the way and get back up, start over and try again and again.
I dig deep down to remember I am stronger and braver than the thoughts that come to mind.
Trust in yourself, and know whatever you are grateful for today is ok.
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