Generations of Domestic Violence

I never had a childhood like others. From my earliest memories at 2 or 3 years old there has always been extreme violence and torture inflicted on me. I often wonder why I am still here. I continue to live through more than my share of abuse that has almost killed me on numerous occasions. Growing up I was manipulated to believe that it was “normal” for this to happen to unwanted girls from my mother and that it was the only way to show pure love from my father. When I got married, I thought it would be better, at least there would only be one person who I needed to try to keep content. That I would be able to manage his temperature and know when to hide. That the violence would be less, but I was far from wrong. Once I had my first viable child, I vowed to myself to do whatever I could to make sure to protect him and any other child I was allowed to keep, at all costs so that they would never get physically hurt at the hands of our family. Not knowing the verbal and emotional abuse they heard would be more damaging. I constantly tried to make sure none of my children would witness the physical abuse that was occurring in the house that was supposed to be their safe place. Using myself as a shield most days. Always walking on eggshells trying not to cause another violent episode. When my son got into high school, he started questioning what he had seen and heard his entire life. He began rebelling against his father. Once he turned 18, he was forcefully kicked out of the home but the manipulation and abusive strong hold his father had over him he could not escape from. That pain and confusion in him festered and he then started to take out his anger like his father on me. At first, I could not believe what was happening, I mean how could this little boy who I loved and protected all his life come to be someone that turned into another one of my abusers. Children aren’t supposed to hurt their parents. I thought it was only a one-time thing that once he realized what he had done he would never do it again. Unfortunately, that was not the case and each time he became increasingly explosive to the point of blacking out, accusing me of setting him off by bringing up the wrong subjects or saying the wrong things. In one of the altercations, he almost killed me before his best friend walked in. I did not recognize at the time how much pain he was in mentally but knew that he was in dire need of help. I am hopeful with the correct medication and therapy he will be able to use this as a lesson and put in the hard work needed to learn to live a healthy, productive life. I truly believe he never meant to hurt me, this was a result of all those years he had been conditioned and manipulated by his father. As I sat up late one night recently, I got to thinking about how ingrained this abuse has been in our family. What happened to my parents or even my ex-husband when they were younger to cause them to be so destructive and violent? Was this a learned behavior for them as well? I don’t have the answers to my questions and probably never will, but one thing is for certain, I will do everything in my power to change the trajectory for my children so that their children never have to experience violence at the hands of their family ever again. This cycle of abuse will end with me.