RAPE CULTURE ENDS WITH ME

An 18-year-old girl was raped by her 45-year old driving instructor who was taking her to her very first driving lesson. He took her to an isolated road, pulled her out of the car, removed her jeans and forcefully raped her.

She reported the rape and the perpetrator was arrested and prosecuted. He was then convicted of rape and sentenced to jail. Years later, he appealed the conviction claiming that the sex was consensual, leading the Italian Supreme Court to overturn the conviction and release the perpetrator. A statement from the Court argued that because the victim was wearing “very tight jeans,” she had to help remove them, and by removing the jeans it was not rape but consensual sex.          https://denimday.org 

There is no excuse and IT’S never an invitation to rape

This story has led to a movement internationally and it causes us to look at rape culture tolerance and what victims of sexual assault deal with the aftermath of their traumatic experience at the hands of a rapist who justifies their behavior. Often society believes the rapist not the survivor who is left frozen with fear.

Recently at Xquisite I sat across from a girl who was 14-years-old who had been raped by a 25-year-old. She stated, “isn’t that what I have to do?” He led her to believe that him forcing himself on her was indeed what she had to do. These encounters happen constantly and the perpetrators create a narrative of “she wanted it.” In this case, a girl of 14 cannot consent and therefore it is rape and it is a criminal offense.

Rape culture is an environment where sexual violence is normalized, excused, and trivialized through societal attitudes, media, and behaviors. It stems from misogyny and systemic inequality, fostering victim-blaming, objectification, and the assumption that sexual aggression is inevitable. This culture discourages reporting and minimizes perpetrator accountability. Rape culture is not necessarily a conscious effort to support violence, but rather an accumulation of beliefs that desensitize society to it, often making survivors feel shame or fear of not being believed.

Rape culture is fueled by porn addiction and society justifying it and turning a blind eye.  There is no justification or excuse ever for anyone to sexually assault or rape. The trauma that occurs from this violence is paralyzing. We often hear that trauma victims may respond to violence with “fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fine or faint.” https://www.attachmentproject.com 

Most often I have seen that the “freeze” dynamic is a common response to sexual violence. I believe the “freeze” dynamic is misunderstood by society’s mantra of “Why didn’t you stop it? Why didn’t you just leave?”

May I ask you to consider they can’t! They froze. They went into survival mode.

What happens to your body when you freeze? Basic survival instincts take over; it’s like hitting pause to conserve energy — almost like going into a temporary shutdown to survive. You lose your usual sense of purpose or struggle to make decisions, negative thoughts can creep in, and procrastination or feeling stuck is common. Many people feel ashamed of freezing, not realizing it’s a natural way the body tries to protect you.

It's important to understand this isn't a choice or weakness but a natural, automatic defense reaction to overwhelming threat or trauma. Freezing is just as natural and involuntary as running or fighting. Your body responded to help you survive in the best way it knew how to.

Freezing was a protective response, not a failure. Naming and normalizing this response helps reduce self-blame and shame.

It’s not uncommon for trauma survivors to feel shame following the freeze response, with many wondering why they didn’t “do anything” – but the fact is that you did!

With this in mind, does the story of the 18-year-old girl being raped by a 45-year-old man make a little more sense?  We must change the rape culture mentality, and we must be kinder to the survivors trying to share their story as truth and understand that what they have endured has sent them into a sphere of trauma we may not identify with. Silence should not be the survivors only option and tolerance must not be how be justify sexually assault and rape. The trauma they endured should be held with dignity and respect.  There is a comparison surrounding PTSD which states that rape victims and victims of human trafficking experience trauma equal to or exceeding that of combat war veterans.  It seems at times we have empathy for the combat veteran’s trauma and disregard the trauma of sexual violence. Why is that? If it’s equal trauma, it should receive equal care and understanding.

Rape culture isn’t an incident—it’s a pattern. If we only investigate the moment, we miss the danger of it becoming normalized and tolerated.

So, the next time you put on your jeans, can you take a minute and consider somewhere someone’s daughter, son, mother or grandmother might have experienced sexual violence so deep and suffer in silence because of the stigma of rape tolerance or the pain of their story not being believed.

NO EXCUSE AND NEVER AN INVITATION TO RAPE.