Some might find it easy to answer the question who inspires you, but when I was asked this question, I totally froze and sat there racking my brain. I did not know how to answer this question. The first thing that came to mind was what does that even mean, like many others I did not grow up looking at inspirational people I wanted to be like rather I grew up with people I knew I wanted to be nothing like. Really who was there to look to for inspiration parents who were abusive and manipulators or siblings who were addicts just trying to survive themselves? I sat with this question for quite a few days really trying to think about it. In the dictionary inspire is defined as to influence, move, or guide. To fill someone with the urge or ability to do or feel something. After reading that and reflecting more on who has an influence on my life was a hard reality check.
For so long I learned to survive by putting up a wall and not letting anyone get too close to me for fear they would just want to hurt, use, and abuse me and my body. Not knowing that in doing so I had closed off who I truly was. I did not look up to anyone nor did I think it was ever ok to let someone in because it was conditioned in me that you can only rely on yourself. I lived like that for the majority of my life. Still to this day it is a struggle. Now after reflecting on this and truly looking at where I am, I can say there is one who I can look up to that inspires me. It was not until a few years ago that I was seen for the first time in my life. I was shown compassion and acceptance not for who I could be or do but for who I was in that moment. It was that one person who saw behind the mask and took the time to peel back the many layers I had covered up over the years. That one person who said that I mattered and was deserving of being valued and respected. The one that said they would love me unconditionally and would always be there. The one who follows through on their word and only wants the ultimate best for me. The one who stays when everyone else just uses me for their own pleasure. Trust me, this all did not happen over night it took years of building the trust and bond. Years of shifting through what I thought was true and showing me how far from reality that is. Even now some days it is two steps back and three forward.
Healing does not happen in a straight line it is all over the place. It was because of this person that I now know who I can be and that I don’t need to be used. That, that is not how I hold value or what I was created for. I can say each and every day that person reaches out and helps me be a better person so that maybe one day I can be an inspiration to someone else. I am so grateful for that person at Xquisite who believes in me, helps me and walks beside me every step of the way.