Born Into Exploitation

Growing up, the childhood I thought was “normal” was anything but that. I just was not aware of it until I was in my late 30s, and I tried to escape that life and began the journey to heal. 

You see, from the early ages of 2-3, my mother began exploiting my body by having me dance on a bar for men. Then she turned it into a game for me to play when the men came into our house, forcing me to do unthinkable things and letting them — as well as herself — use my body for their pleasure. If I did not do something to her standards there was always a consequence that resulted in me being hurt. This happened week after week for the next 10 years. 

When I turned 12, my mother dropped me off at my father’s house and told him “she is your problem now" and walked off. At first, I was shocked that this was the same man I had known and seen over the years on a regular basis who would come in whenever he needed his "fix" of me or to take me on weekend trips around the rodeo circuit to sell me there. But I had no idea that he was my father. 

Part of me thought things would finally be different, maybe even better, but that was not the case either. He still used my body daily, also allowing family and his friends to as well. When I “became of age”, he and my mother arranged my marriage without my knowledge. Not long after being married, they took part in exploiting and trafficking me most of the time behind each other’s backs, or two of them would team up together and then switch off. This continued through all my marriage and after my divorce. 

Slowly, overtime, my mother forced my father out of the picture by threatening him. He still tries to contact me every few weeks, but I do not answer his calls or text. As for my mother and ex-husband, they partnered together and have become even more unpredictable in what they are looking to get. They still get to me more times than I would like to admit and for different reasons mostly. 

Growing up with this type of torture and abuse, it has taken me a long time to begin to see that it is not ok, even if it was my “normal.” The people who were supposed to love and care for me the most never did, they just used my body for their twisted enjoyment. 

The psychological warfare is still an everyday struggle to replace their lies with what is actually truth. As I grow in my healing, I am working hard to not allow the shame and guilt they attempted to control me with hold me back. I start each day determined to move forward even with their attempts to hunt me down, being very aware of everything around me at all times but still taking the moments to explore what life can be like outside of their control and making choices that I never knew were mine to make in the first place. 

For the first time in forever I get to figure out what I need and don’t need in my life and understand it is ok to walk away from family if it is their desire to hurt and exploit me. I try hard to focus on those people with whom I have over the last few years been able to build trust and who only want the best for me, to speak life into me. 

I now get to choose who my family is made up of.