Why Didn’t Someone Do Something?

We often hear stories of survivors that are disturbing and heartbreaking and wonder “why didn’t someone do something!” I’ve heard stories too where the survivor has said “why didn’t you come sooner?” Those questions drive me to be someone who will do something!

Xquisite is recognizing that intentional steps for a path forward for survivors of domestic, family and teen violence is vital for survival.  We believe that the degree of need is much greater than any of us realize, because survivors often do not report since these victimizations are closely intertwined within family or extended family or friends. In fact, we have data that shows 72% of violent victimizations occur within the immediate family setting! That statistic should drive us to do something!  This barrier often feels insurmountable and very lonely and can directly impact the ability for the survivors to maintain a stable environment for housing and basic needs. We must begin to believe a survivors’ story and help them understand we are here to walk with them, providing support and community and in doing so we may discover an even greater need and the ability to serve those needs that often get overlooked.

In the last few months Xquisite has discovered a unique and underserved population. Often in situations of family and domestic violence there seems to be a segment that gets overlooked, which is the caregiver or those who are the initial ones to provide support who have the dual victimization of violence to them and to the ones they protect.  We have active cases within Xquisite that have further emphasized the need to see the underserved population and surround them with understanding and support.

Xquisite was serving a youth who was navigating the juvenile justice system due to violence and heightened sexual behavior. For several months we provided one on one advocacy as a part of a multi-disciplinary team for this youth and we experienced the escalation of violence firsthand, until this youth got a hold of a knife and came at her mother stating she was going to kill her.  Sitting in court next to this mother and having to listen to the altercation of her own daughter’s attempt to kill her without remorse was heartbreaking. What became more eye-opening and heartbreaking was when the mother grabbed my hand tightly, in tears thanking me for being there so she wasn’t alone. For the first time, my focus shifted to see this mother and her need for support. Sometimes the abuser’s behavior can be so loud, that the one who also needs support, because its family suffers in silence. This mother had deferred any support for herself, because she wanted help for her daughter. I saw the mother in such pain over the violence that was inflicted on her from her daughter and witnessed her trauma but was grateful that at least if her daughter was safe in custody, then she too was safe from the violence. Again, this experience caused me to pivot and see that indeed there was violence that rippled out from this youth to an underserved population, desperately needing support but often overlooked due to the extreme urgent need to help the youth. This experience changed me.

In addition, we have personally witnessed youth that have lived in a home that has family violence at its core, and the control and trauma filled fear that is experienced has caused one of these youth to become violent toward the mother, who is also their caregiver.  The dynamic of keeping her children safe and attempting to keep peace in the home so that the abusive father would not act out his anger on her in front of the children, because the father is calculated, and his violence is extreme becomes a tactic of isolation is daunting.  We have personally witnessed one of the children become so traumatized that he took out that frustration on his mother to the point of beating her and inflicted strangulation injuries, but to keep the youth safe from the father and to make sure the youth received mental health help, the mother put the youth first before her own medical care. This is a microcosm of what we believe can be discovered as we walk alongside this underserved and most often overlooked population as a mother’s heart to protect her children in these situations, is secondary to the youth exhibiting and carrying out violence learned from being in an environment of violence. We must stop the cycle of violence, and we believe reaching out to the next ripple of traumatized victims who have been caught in the crossfire of the initial abuse may begin to change legacies and the trajectory of so many lives that have been trapped in a prison of family violence and feel there is no support for them or a way out.

We have further witnessed that youth that remain in a home of violence at a young age, need to have support to understand the trauma and the tension they personally see happening. These tender age kids need age-appropriate conversations and ways to express how they are feeling from what they are experiencing. With the parent permission, we have provided a conversational relationship and worksheets for them to begin to express how they are feeling, with the intension to give them a voice. This additional ripple often goes unnoticed due to the focus being on the abusive violence that many believe does not affect the tender age child. This abuse causes them to suppress their frustrations, only to further emphasis the need to provide support to that underserved at risk youth so that they do not succumb to the path of violence in the future.

Family violence, domestic violence, and teen violence often co-mingle. For years the common mantra of society was that we should not become involved or question what goes on behind the closed door of family. At what cost? Many families suffer in silence because of that mentality and feel alone and that perhaps they don’t qualify for support which most often is a tactic the abuser uses to keep them confined in their control.  While most often we see the abuser in family, domestic and teen violence as the male figure we do recognize that is not always the case and many women within the home also inflict the same terror and trauma. There are many survivors suffering in silence.  We want to expose the fact that they indeed do qualify for support and resources and can safely and confidentially begin to have their voice heard, that their voice matters and that they are not alone all without conditions to receive resources or support, on their own terms and at the pace they feel most comfortable with. Our focus is always for what is best for the survivor.  We are grateful that we now recognize an additional ripple of traumatized survivors that have not been fully supported, so as we work with the individuals that come to us for care, support and resources, we have extended our focus on the next layer of support we can provide to the care givers and family members who place their children and families above themselves.

We commit to doing something!