Stuck.
That is what it feels like, stuck in a cycle of destruction.
What are you supposed to do when you don’t know what you need or even what to ask for?
All you know is that you don’t want to feel like you are feeling or cope the way you always have because even that doesn’t give you the release it once did in less you go a little deeper. You have all these thoughts and emotions swirling around in your head, yet you can explain them. You constantly say “Fine” when someone asks the simples questions like how you are doing or how is it going, knowing good and well you are anything but fine. Part of you is grateful that it is not asked on a deeper level because you are afraid of how you will respond or react. You don’t trust yourself anymore. You are evaluating and reevaluating every move, every word that is being said. You want to reach out, scream, cry, anything but you don’t have any idea how to even do that or get the conversation started again. You are slowly slipping out of touch with what you want or expect to be. You don’t even notice how far down or how long it’s been getting worse. Maybe it has just been gradually spiraling down to a place where now you are scared if you confront anything or anyone with how you are feeling it will be a huge explosion. You have never had these strong feelings and wish that you could just be numb again because it is so overwhelming and exhausting to try to make it through a day. You don’t know why some things are triggering you way more than they ever did before. You look in the mirror and no longer recognize the person looking back at you. Part of you knows and can see what a long way you have come but in an instant that realization is gone, and all the self-doubt and criticism starts to boil again. You can’t seem to get a handle on how to stay in that frame of mind. You get frustrated because you can’t figure out why you’re having these reactions to feelings that you have had your whole life. It should be nothing new, should feel safe because it is what your constant reality has been, yet with each passing day the reality gets more warped and uncertain. You want to find peace and possibly happiness. Trying to figure out your identity for the first time ever. You are searching for a better life than the one that was stolen from you. You are picking up the shattered pieces all over the ground. Just when you think you have it all coming together it falls and breaks again, now you are figuring out that they no longer go back together.
You take a step back and have to reexamine every piece, every decision, every thought. Sure, it would be easier to just throw in the towel and give up, but you never asked for anything to be easy. Easy is scary and unknown, hard is what you know and are comfortable with, so you keep picking them up and trying to get a little bit to come together and see if it helps pull you out of the stuck you feel.
You know yourself well enough that you will not back down and surrender. You are a fighter who someday will possibly come out on the other side a better version that you have no idea you were ever capable of being.
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