As my “birthday” approached those who I have allowed to get close to me, wanted to honor and celebrate me, but unfortunately, my reaction was not that of gratitude, acceptance, or excitement. Due to my past, I am still learning appropriate responses. I was uncomfortable and felt like all eyes were on me when that was that last thing that I ever wanted. Inside I knew my reaction was not how I intended it to be, and it was something that I must face to work through.
It made me curious about why I react so strongly to my birthday?
After sitting with it for a while I discovered what it came down to all my life it has never been referred to as my birthday, but as my “hatch day.” Because those that brought me into this world only saw me as an object, never as a person. They never celebrated me but used it as another poor excuse to justify in their minds that it is acceptable to violate my body repeatedly. Even when I got up the courage to look her in the face as she assaulted me again and again, I was able to say I can be a person, she laughed and said, “remember this is what you were created for, this must be why you survived, and we couldn’t get rid of you.”
As I was tied up while she continued her sick game, I thought how in the world could a mother get pleasure and satisfaction in torturing and repeatedly sexually harming her own child. I now know she would never see me or treat me like a person, let alone a daughter. She continued to berate me and tried to break me verbally as well constantly reminding me that she is the one who sent my father away, saying “I bet you wish your daddy was here to come and rescue you, he always loved to commence this day with you,” then to “oh that is right he left you behind, guess your weren’t all that special to him.”
It is not okay for anyone to do this to someone else let alone to one’s own child.
It took me right back to questioning if I could ever be a person in her eyes and not just an object? Will I ever be able to look in a mirror and realize that the reflection I see is in fact a person? A person who wants to be able to know and feel what it is like to be accepted, loved, and wanted for the right reasons.
It is much deeper than just being a person, realizing and accepting that I can be thought of as human not just an object or a robot.
I have put in a lot of hard work trying to move to a place where I can begin to heal some of the
misfortunes that have been laid on me and still struggle every day with some different battles both mentally and physically. I am struggling with learning how to reframe my mind to know and believe that I am a person and not an object. Every day I must try to figure out and learn how I can possibly be comfortable in my own skin.
While talking to a trusted friend the other day about this, and she held up an object and asked me “Can this feel?” “Can this have emotion?” I responded with of course not. At that moment it hit me that I was always told and treated like an object by those that took pleasure in abusing my body, I have never been given the option or allowed to have or express feelings or emotions. I did not know how to feel or have emotion. While replaying this conversation repeatedly in my head, it came to me that I want to be seen as a person, but I am terrified. When talking more to her about this, I told her I am terrified to see myself as a person and not an object because then I will have to feel everything that has been done to me. She asked me “What if you could turn that object that you believe you are into a weapon for good, a voice that can help others, shatter secrets, break the silence and educate people about how trafficking happens and just how real, raw and long the healing process is.” I sat with that and said “Yes, that is what I want to do but I am unsure if I can carry such a heavy load once I start to chisel away that hard shell and let the emotion and feeling come out, she then replied, “I will help carry it with you, you do not have to do this all alone.”
That is when it became crystal clear, and I knew for certain she is the person I want to call family. Working towards, focusing on my purpose, and surrounding myself with people and the positive words they feed into me.
My reality is knowing that I will definitely receive a “consequence” for shining light on this subject but am willing to risk it all if it can help someone know and feel that they are not alone and can be seen as a person.
You see, I am learning that blood does not make you family, the bond, love, and care for one another that is mutually given makes you family.
I am now getting to choose who gets to sit at my table and celebrate life with me
okk