For the majority of my life, I’ve always had to be the type of person that needed to make sure everybody around me was taken care of emotionally and physically. This led to me constantly being controlled by others, confined to a closet, having to walk on eggshells, as to not upset anyone, and having my body easily taken advantage of at the expense of countless others.
I never knew there was another option I could choose. I believed this way of living was normal.
A few years ago, after a brutally violent situation something shifted inside me. At that point I still was very much in denial and could not acknowledge what was being done to me was so very wrong. It was becoming more and more clear that something in my life had to change. It no longer was just affecting me, but I could see how it was affecting my kid’s mental health and security. I had heard about Xquisite before and somehow found the courage to step out of my comfort zone making the commitment to reach out and start the conversation. I would have never identified myself as someone who was being trafficked, exploited, and abused, until meeting with the executive director when she said to me,
“You, no that is not normal” and I replied, “It’s normal for me.”
It was then I started to question and educate myself on all the experience that I have endured that now had labels attached to them.
I’ve made some huge progress in the last few years despite the continual torture. I’ve taken the time to do some of the hard work and have eye opening conversations to get to where I am today. Has it been easy? Absolutely not! But there is never an easy option when choosing to go against what you have been taught your whole life.
As a survivor the obstacles that you might face when choosing to get out of a horrific situation can feel insurmountable, and at times like the deck is stacked against you. Change is scary and it’s difficult to let yourself be vulnerable enough to start to peel back the layers. I have found that transforming into who you want to be takes time, patience, and compassion with yourself that must be practiced every single day. I am committed to putting in the hard work so that I can continue moving from a place of just merely surviving to thriving. I’m now in a season where I want to speak my truth, no longer keeping their secrets safely tucked away in my mind, regardless of the consequences.
I would not be as far along as I am if it was not for the consistent help and support of those amazing and dedicated people who have walked alongside me and who only truly want the best from me. They have championed me, loved me when I felt unlovable and poured into me what they see in me that I might not be able to see at the time. I am so grateful for the opportunities that have opened up to me that now I am able to be in a position to help others navigate in this daunting journey and let them know they are not alone in this fight. They too do not have to stay stuck in a closet or be trapped in the psychological warfare that has kept them captive. I help show them there is a place to come and find a sense of belonging, a community with love and acceptance, no judgement. I get to help educate communities about the realities of sex trafficking, sexual assault, exploitation and intimate terrorism and what it looks like in every community, even yours. Do I still have setbacks? Yes, but who doesn’t in life. Every day I try my best to remind myself that it is worth all the hard work and on days when I get discouraged having to remember it is important to reach out and rely on my support system to help me process my thoughts and feelings.
My challenge to others is to dig deep, find the courage to take that first step towards your freedom from whatever has held you captive and reach out to see what possibilities there could be. Be brave enough to face things head on as they come up and no longer having to keep them locked inside to weigh you down.
It starts with one text, one call, one foot in front of the other.
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