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Brenda Sandquist

A Glimpse Into Intimate Terrorism

The recent killing of the Hamas leader who was the architect of many terror plots and in particular the October 7, 2023, terror attack was met with many applauding the end of a dictator’s reign of unspeakable terror. It is understandable for us to feel that justice was served on behalf of the innocent lives that were taken and tortured.


For some time now I have begun to learn that family violence and domestic violence could really be better defined by the term “intimate terrorism.” If we could have the same passion for justice on behalf of those trapped in these domestic terrorism settings as we do for terrorism being stopped in a corner of the world that does not always affect us personally, we might see neighbors and family members suffering in silence with more compassion.


A “simple” definition of terrorism: “the calculated use of violence to create a general climate of fear.” “Intimate terrorism is a pattern of abuse and control in a relationship where one partner uses intimidation, threats, and isolation to gain power over the other. It can include physical, sexual, and psychological abuse.” I believe this better defines what many experience behind closed doors.


Intimate terrorism is not a new dynamic in our society; however, we often feel that we have no right to interfere with what “happens behind closed doors” in a family setting. We must ask ourselves why we can applaud the killing of a known terrorist but ignore the terrorist in many of our homes.


Until you sit across from someone who is surviving the daily attacks of intimate terrorism, you may not fully see the impact of their suffering in silence. Until you hold someone’s face and ask them to listen to your voice to help them understand that you are in danger, and we need to leave now, you can remain unchanged. Until you watch the effects of extreme trauma

that is demonstrated by the inability to focus, their body shaking, or fear driven tense body language you really can’t begin to understand.


The survivors we serve at Xquisite come to us with various states of trauma, and we sit with them as they try to trust us enough to give a glimpse of the terror, they experience every day and especially at night. Constant mental reminder images of their torture and verbal rants on repeat in their mind become reality. No one wants to be known for the trauma the have experienced and often it is preferred to keep it bottled up hoping no one will notice. Hoping no one will ask why underneath the heavy make-up is a bruise, or the reason they hide their neck from strangulation marks, or wincing from injuries received from a rage fueled intimate terror attack. The physiological warfare inflicted on them is extreme. And equally as frightening is what if you do answer what happened to you and no one can handle the terror you experience and you can tell by their expression. Which only affirms the necessity of keeping your torture hidden.


The terror many survivors of intimate terrorism experience is torture. The secrets they must keep as a part of survival from these intimate terrorists is excruciating. It is vital to understand the depth of trauma and treat it with care and compassion.


Our world is filled with terrorists. I am against all forms of terror foreign and domestic. I am for justice and in our world today that is a fight. I am not condoning violence or find pleasure in someone being killed; however, I am for stopping the torture of innocent lives. For us here in America, can we take a moment to consider that the terrorism many endure within a family or intimate setting, needs to be eradicated too?


Until you sit with a survivor and begin to understand the torture they have had to live with, and see them as a beautiful diamond, the imagery I have shared might offend you. If it has, perhaps you might take a moment to consider that the survivors I’ve described are someone’s daughter or son. It is indeed my honor to see beyond the bruises, the scars, and the obvious

painful residual effects of torture and see the brilliance in who they are. Until we can see what is often hidden in plain sight, we continue to allow intimate terrorism to flourish because we don’t want to acknowledge the terrorist that lives in our neighborhoods and homes.

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